I grew up in a broken home. Alcohol. Divorce. Fighting. Anger. Church was something we went to on Easter Sunday and maybe a few times in between. Because my home was out of control, I worked hard to be in control. I relied on my own strength and determination. I believed I was in control and would make my own way. That attitude of self reliance stayed with me as I grew up and entered adulthood.
I thought that was just silly evangelical talk, but it also made me uncomfortable, like I was missing out on something.
In 2003 my husband and I adopted our first two children from Russia. I knew the Bible had good moral lessons that seemed important to teach my boys. Our family started to go to church every week and my eyes started to be opened to who God is. For the next 12 years we went to church weekly. I participated in Bible study after Bible study. I served in the church. The pastor would speak of “giving your life to Christ”.
I thought that was just silly evangelical talk, but it also made me uncomfortable, like I was missing out on something.
In January 2015 I was diagnosed with breast cancer that had spread into my lymph nodes. It rocked my world. I remember sitting on my bed and throwing open my Bible in confusion and hurt. The Bible opened to Philippians. I read “the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Those verses gave me peace and told me what to do. Pray.
On the third night in isolation, I broke. And the only person there was God. And He was enough.
In February, after my second round of chemo, I wound up in the hospital. The chemo had wiped out my white blood cells and I had a fever. Not a good combination. I was isolated. Isolated from my family, friends, and worldly distractions. I couldn’t be a mom to my 5 kids. I couldn’t be a wife. I couldn’t even lift my bald head of my pillow.
On the third night in isolation, I broke. And the only person there was God. And He was enough.
Now I see that God graciously allowed all “stuff’” to be stripped away. He showed me that I had no strength of my own. I realized that although I had intellectually assented to Jesus, I had not submitted to his authority. I believed, Yes, Jesus, BUT, I also believed I brought something to the table. That night God gave me a verse, Psalm 9:9 ”The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble”.
God showed me that He alone is my stronghold, nothing else.
God showed me that He alone is my stronghold, nothing else.
I can actually say I am thankful for the cancer. God used that awful experience to bring me to the end of myself, to show me my need for Him, and that He is sufficient. I am not in control, nor do I need to be. Knowing this has released me from years of tense anger as I tried to manage everything on my own. My favorite verse is Philippians 4:13. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. Not my strength, but Christ’s. He will carry me through. Now I have a passion for God and His word that I’ve never had before. I want to be in His word, I want to grow in my faith, and most importantly, I want to show and tell people the love of Jesus the way that He showed me.
