I was raised here at Grace church. My dad was a deacon and my mom taught Sunday school. I listened to Bible stories, sang Bible songs, and memorized Bible verses starting at a very young age. I heard about the God of the Old Testament and understood that He was the righteous and holy judge. He smote Sodom and Gomorrah with fire and brimstone, and He unleashed plagues upon Israel and Egypt for their disobedience. Despite the terrifying image, I appreciated that God had clearly outlined His expectations in the Books of the Law. I believed that if I followed this Law, I would go to heaven.
I could prove myself to my parents through my grades, my athletics, and my good behavior. But God could see my heart, and He knew my sinful thoughts.
Then I heard about Jesus. Jesus, quite frankly, did not fit with my understanding of God. How could a Just and Pure God extend forgive and save sinners even if they weren’t following His law? To me, Jesus was a cop-out for the people who wouldn’t follow God’s law but still wanted to claim that they were somehow righteous before God. I resolved to earn my right to heaven. So, I opened the Bible to the ten commandments, and figured I’d work my way up from there. I quickly realized that I could break all ten in moments, and it mortified me. I could prove myself to my parents through my grades, my athletics, and my good behavior. But God could see my heart, and He knew my sinful thoughts. I knew that the wages of sin are death. So, I became legalistic, hoping that if I proved that everyone else was worse than I, God would still let me into heaven. I attacked my Sunday School teachers and my parents for being happy in God when I was miserable.
After a brutal fight one night, I lay in my bedroom, weeping and utterly broken. I cried out to God earnestly and said, “God, if You’re there, prove it.”
I eventually realized that I could not be perfect, and around 8 years old, I began battling depression. At 10, I had suicidal thoughts, because I knew I deserved to go to hell. But something—some force— always held me back from acting on those thoughts, and I see now that it was God. He gave me time to confront my parents about the gospel. Even though I would tell myself I’d won intellectually, I always left knowing that they were right about God, and it frustrated me. After a brutal fight one night, I lay in my bedroom, weeping and utterly broken. I cried out to God earnestly and said, “God, if You’re there, prove it.” Immediately, this peaceful presence beyond all understanding filled my room, and I was able to sleep. I don’t have a specific moment where I ‘converted’, but that night was when I met God. Shortly after that, my mom forced me into youth group, where several youth leaders came alongside me and discipled me in Christ and godly living.
God has continually torn away anything that I take pride in. I love to argue and fight, but God is the only person who has bested me in every argument, every time and in every way. I’ve discovered a balance and dichotomy in God’s character throughout the Old and New Testaments. God is both just and merciful; both righteous and forgiving. He has ultimate sovereignty, sees everything, and knows all. And yet, He desires to have a personal, intimate relationship with everyone, including me. I thought I was as perfect as a human could get; now as I pursue Christ, I see how broken I truly am. When God acts outside my control, I fight Him on it.
For example, when my family traveled overseas to visit my grandma, she died while we were there. I attacked God for making my family suffer. Yet, God showed me through His word that He is sovereign over death, and that He uses suffering to draw people closer to Himself. Yet, I challenged God’s love and sovereignty again when one of my acquaintances tragically died a couple years later. This time, God showed me the sufficiency of scripture, how it had everything I needed. Like Job, I was not even deserving of answers or explanations for God’s actions, and yet He has graciously let me glimpse into His nature through His word. I don’t claim to fully comprehend God because I never will, but I know that I will see Him in heaven by His grace alone, not because of anything I’ve done.
I am proof that you can never be too far from the mercy of God, and I am alive and here today by the grace of God alone.
Being a perfectionist, I would pursue arguments with others and point out flaws in their reasoning and in their character. That was my definition of evangelism. However, Jesus spoke with compassion towards the sinners. He didn’t endorse their actions, but He loved them as lost sheep. I am slowly learning to do the same. The wages of sin are death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 6:23).
I am proof that you can never be too far from the mercy of God, and I am alive and here today by the grace of God alone. Every objection I’ve had, He’s thoroughly conquered. Every alternative path to salvation that I’ve tried has proven itself futile. Contrary to the saying ‘all roads lead to God’, God has demonstrated to me that Jesus Christ is the only way, the truth, and the life. I am a critic captivated by the love of God, and He is the one thing that will never fade away. My grades, any awards, and every accomplishment will eventually become worthless, but He remains faithful. 1 John 5:3 says, “For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome.” As Philippians 2:12-13 says, “Work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is not you who work, but God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
